Interior. A dark, twisting tunnel lined with velvet curtains and mirrored tiles. ALICE (Kristine Heller), a buxom blonde in a sheer white nightgown, slides down a long, winding chute. She lands on a pile of oversized satin pillows.
Alice slowly runs her fingers along the brass edge. The lock purrs. A large, phallic brass key emerges from the keyhole, glistening.
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS (a large, imperious woman in a red corset and garter belt, holding a riding crop) stands on a pedestal. Her court consists of shirtless men in playing-card briefs and women in heart-shaped pasties. The croquet balls are pink, round, and moaning. The mallets are... anatomical.
THE MAD HATTER (John Holmes, billed as "Johnny Wadd"), wearing a leather top hat and a bow tie—and nothing else—lounges at the head of the table. Beside him, THE MARCH HARE (a muscular man with rabbit ears and a fluffy tail) and THE DORMOUSE (a small, eager woman dressed in a mouse-fur bikini) are already... occupied.
He gestures with a velvet-gloved hand. A small, ornate door with a brass keyhole shimmers into existence. A deep, rhythmic pulsing sound emanates from behind it.
Alice is laid across the grass. The Knave of Hearts (a handsome Black man with a painted heart over his eye) approaches, mallet in hand.
Not for the small-minded.
Alice, now hypnotized by the rhythm of the table's slow, rocking motion, leans forward.
He pours a thick, milky liquid into a cup, then unzips his leather trousers.
Everything down here is warm, Alice. Everything is wet. Everything... wants to be opened. Drink this first.
(breathless, laughing) Oh my! That was quite a drop. And what a peculiar place... I can hear music. Faint, naughty music.
The Queen's rules, Alice. You have to hit the ball into the arch. But the ball... moves.
Mystic Films Director: Bud Townsend (uncredited pseudonym) Runtime: 85 minutes MPAA Rating: X (later re-rated NC-17 for home video)
The trial of the Knave of Hearts. He is accused of stealing the Queen's tarts. The evidence: a cream-filled pastry, still warm.
(laughing) If you miss, it's your head! If you hit, it's your hole! Play!
