The worst misfortune isn’t the pain. It’s the patch notes nama releases every Friday. They always end with the same line: “Adjusted Luna’s suffering to be more ‘relatable.’”

First, the good news: They fixed the typo in my transformation cry. It’s now “Starlight… Shower ,” not “Starlight… Shovel.” That was an embarrassing three days.

My name is Luna, and I am the star of Magical Girl Luna’s Misfortunes – a game that the creator, nama, explicitly designed to humiliate me. Version 1.09 just dropped, and I felt the update shiver through my soul like a cold virus.

Now, the misfortunes.

They said being a Magical Girl was about hope. About sparkling wands and the power of friendship.

As I sit here, banana-peel-skirted, trapped behind a mall toilet, listening to Keith the Accountant lecture me about tax forms for evil… I realize the truth.

A talking cat named Mr. Snugs. In most games, he’d be my mentor. Here, he follows me around and loudly critiques my running form. “Your pigtails are asymmetrical today, Luna. The Dark Kingdom will devour you.” I can’t hit him. I’ve tried.

My magic wand now has a 15% chance to backfire. Not by hurting me—by playing a sad trombone sound effect and turning my skirt into a giant, floppy banana peel. The first time it happened, the monster (a blob of sentient gloom) paused, laughed, and offered me a tissue. I accepted it.

Last version, the Dark Lord was a generic shadow wraith. Today? He’s an accountant named Keith. His attacks are: Passive-Aggressive Email , Unskippable Meeting , and You Forgot to Clock Out . I tried my “Lunar Heartbreak” beam. He deducted it from my paycheck.

I’m not a Magical Girl.

I’m a beta tester. And the bug is my existence.

End log.

It’s moved. It’s now located inside a public restroom stall at the local mall. The door is stuck. Every time I respawn, I have to crawl under the gap while a random shopper asks, “Is someone in there?” I have no dialogue option except, “Just saving the world, ma’am.”